While I work on chapter 4 of my saga, have a little something I originally posted on my tumblr! It’s a crossover between the PC game „The Sims 2“ and my beloved myths. Since aliens are very real in that game, my usual paleo-astronautica spin on the tales works even better in that setting. The whole thing is loosely based on “Enki and the World Order”. Enjoy!
Immense time ago… at the dawn of history… the place now known as “Strangetown desert” was a lush jungle landscape. And the green skinned aliens didn´t lurk in orbit, waiting to snatch unsuspecting human sims, no, they walked the earth among them as the humans‘ „gods“, with all the perks and downsides imperialism brought for both sides.
One day it so happened that Enki, governor of Eridug, walked the banks of the river Euphrates with a scribe from a nearby human town.
“Excuse me for a moment, friend Ipiq”, Enki said suddenly.
Ipiq-Aya nodded. What should he have said, anyway, if a deity had just announced his decision? It wasn´t his place to respond, only to indicate that he had listened well.
But still… no one who wasn´t beset of at least a token level of curiosity made it to scribe. And so Ipiq-Aya adressed Enki´s servant, who was posessed of much less splendor, but also a lot less frightening than his master. Isimud was, what now, a minor deity of portals, wasn´t it? What could the lad do to him, if the scribe somehow managed to offend him with his question? Curse his bead curtains to lock him inside his chamber? That was fine with the scribe. He could use a little solitude to work on his histories.
“Isimud, you, who knows the ways of to and fro, please tell me! Where´s the lord going and to what end?” the human scribe inquired.
“Ah, you know, the usual thing… raising the river´s water level a bit… adding some nurtrients to it… drip-drip-drip…”
Later that day, back home in his hut with his faithful wife, Ipiq-Aya pondered the insight given to him. It was his duty to keep a record of everything that happened, especially where the gods were concerned. But he could hardly put “drip-drip-drip” on the clay tablets! It lacked a certain literaric quality…
“And then Lord Enki went and made the river swell…” the scribe murmurmed.
“By peeing into it.”
“What? No!” Ipiq´s wife´s giggles filled the room. “Your eyes decieved you, my dear! Didn´t Isimud also tell you that the act would nourish the river creatures? In truth Lord Enki did add his semen to the river, so it would bring forth new life!”
“So the deity ejaculated into the river?”
“Yes! Praise be his penis!”
“Yes, praise be my paycheque… Now that´s something I can put down! No one will take offence in this EVER, whereas the peeing stuff… urgh. – Aaaaand I´m finished for today!”
“Wonderful! Let´s see if the lord´s fertility has rubbed off on you, shall we?”
It wasn´t much later, that the scribe was entertained as a guest in Eridug (only this time there were water closets involved for the dribbly business).
Enki: “Hey, is that March? You got it back, Isimud?”
Isimud: “Yes. Though Nahnshe will probably faint when she sees my expense report. I had to bribe my way through all of Ganzir´s underworld and was surprised that I had at least my underpants left in the end.“
“Yes, of course”, Ipiq-Aya thought. One could not take stuff into or out of the underworld! The young deity really should have thought of that before he started his descent there!
Enki chuckled at his vassal´s sarcastic remark “Yes, I imagine my daughter would faint at THAT sight”, he said. “And if she does, I expect you to catch her, my boy. In the meantime, put that away! Now we can finally close this case.”
“That´s… march… in there?” the scribe inquired, pointing to the folder, after Enki had left the office.
Isimud had already learned that the man was a little literal minded, so the sensible thing would have been to explain what a balance record was.
Instead the youth simply answered: “Yes.”
“All of it? In there?”
“Sure! And neatly closed, too.”
“Wow. And you put that…?”
“Into 30.000 B.C.”
“You put the month… into the year. And close it.”
“Correct. I would have done so earlier, but Nergal had it and wouldn´t give it back. Can you imagine what HE of all people would want our district´s horticulture data for? And not just ours, he scrounged it from everywhere across the globe.”
“So Lord Nergal held the March ransom. No wonder springtime was so cold this year!”
Ipiq-Aya suddenly was in hurry to leave. Isimud didn´t detain him.
Soon after the human had left, the governor re-entered his study.
“I saw Ipiq leave in an unseemly hurry”, Enki said. “Why do I get the impression that he is going to write one of THOSE tales again?”
“You mean like the last one, that the Queen learned about, deciphered correctly and then fined you for urinating in public?”
“Yes, such a one.”
“This one is going to be much, much worse.”
“I swear you are coaxing the guy into misunderstanding on purpose…”
“You are wise, master, praise be your penis! Because as a matter of fact, I AM misleading the scribe for some time now!”
“And you are clever!”
“What?!” Isimud´s grin faded from his face. Enki actually seemed to like what his servant was doing behind his back? “I was sure you´d disapprove!”
“Good luck trying to find something else to piss me off, kiddo.”
“That´s easy”, Isimud claimed. “The trick is coming up with such a thing AND staying alive afterwards.”
“Nonsense! I wouldn´t even hurt you if you made out with all my daughters, Asarluhi and Adapa in the the same night.”
“You would not want to, and be sad afterwards, but explode violently you would nonetheless. Of the two of us, you got all the power over the world outside, but I not even over myself.”
“And that in turn taught you the self-control to never anger me enough for my alleged lack of control to matter. But enough with the wordplay!”
“Listen up, lad! I´ll tell you why I like the little “game” you play with poor Ipiq! Just like the queen learned about my bladder-incident from the humans´ hymns, she´s soon going to learn about Nergal meddling in resorts that aren´t his. Questions will be asked now, questions WE here in Eridug could never have raised without straining international relations too much. But out of the mouth of children… or humans, in our case… The cat´s outta the bag and the matter will get investigated. A sweat deal!”
“Yes. Who would have known the humans would become such a decisive factor in our politics…”
“Me. In my boundless wisdom. That´s why I brought them close to us.”
“But, master, actually you wanted them for to…”
“Nah! Just because you were there, doesn´t mean you know the history, my lad. For all your cleverness, you still have one lesson to take to heart: Events follow one after the other. But history is carefully constructed.”
I gave Enki red-blonde hair to indicate that he is PT 9 Smith´s ancestor (a major character in The Sims 2).
The inspirering innocent lines in the original myth were these:
“Enki […], who establishs commands and decisions,
who well understands the decreeing of fates: you close up the days ……,
and make the months enter their houses.“
If you have relatives who are accountants, associating days getting closed up with closing a ledger comes easier I suppose.